Over the last many, many months I’ve been really thinking about friendships, relationships, how well I know other people and how well others know me. I thought this passage from “Out Stealing Horses” by Per Petterson summed things up nicely.
“People like it when you tell them things, in suitable portions, in a modest, intimate tone, and they think they know you, but they do not, they know about you, for what they are let in on are the facts, not feelings, not what your opinion is about anything at all, not how what has happened to you and how all the all the decisions you have made have turned you into who you are. What they do is they fill in with their own feelings and opinions and assumptions, and they compose a new life which has precious little to do with yours, and that lets you off the hook. No one can touch you unless you yourself want them to. You only have to be polite and smile and keep paranoid thoughts at bay, because they will talk about you no matter how much you squirm, it is inevitable, and you would do the same thing yourself.”
I love his distinction between knowing “about” each other and knowing how the events of life have shaped “who you are”. I think that’s what has been missing in my own definition of friendships. It was good to read and get clarity on concepts that have been rolling around in my head for some time.